Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners

by John Bunyan

In a faithful account of the life and death of John Bunyan
Or
A brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to him
Namely
In His taking him out of the dunghill, and converting him to the faithof His blessed son Jesus Christ.  Here is also particularly shewed,what sight of, and what troubles he had for sin; and also, what varioustemptations he hath met with, and how God hath carried him through them.


A PREFACE

OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK.  WRITTEN BY THEAUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHYTO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD

Children, Grace be with you.  Amen.  I being takenfrom you in presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty,that from God doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifyingand building up in faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see mysoul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlastingwelfare, I now once again, as before, from the top of Shenirand Hermon, so now from the lions’ dens, from the mountainsof the leopards (Song iv. 8), do look yet after you all,greatly longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven.

I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while Istick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the graceand mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God hath bestowedupon you, with abundance of faith and love; your hungerings and thirstingsafter farther acquaintance with the Father, in the Son; your tendernessof heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also,before both God and men, is a great refreshment to me; For yeare our glory and joy.  1 Thess. ii. 20.

I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have takenout of the carcase of a lion.  Judg. xiv. 5-8.  I have eatenthereof myself, and am much refreshed thereby.  (Temptations, whenwe meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson;but if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find anest of honey within them.)  The Philistines understandme not.  It is something of a relation of the work of God uponmy soul, even from the very first, till now, wherein you may perceivemy castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His hands makewhole.  It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19, Thefather to the children shall make known Thy truth.  Yea, itwas for this reason I lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to seethe fire, and the cloud, and the darkness, that I might fearthe Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and tell of Hiswondrous works to my children.  Psalm lxxviii. 3-5.

Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of Israel,from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also thatthey did remember their forty years’ travel in the wilderness. Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led theethese forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to provethee, and to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldstkeep His commandments, or no.  Deut. viii. 2. Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publishit also; that, if God will, others may be put in remembrance of whatHe hath done for their souls, by reading His work upon me.

It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the verybeginnings of grace with their souls.  It is a night to be muchobserved unto the Lord, for bringing them out from the land ofEgypt.  This is that night of the Lord to be observed ofall the children of Israel in their generations.  Exod.xii. 42.  O my God (saith David), Ps. xlii. 6, mysoul is cast down within me; therefore will I rememberthee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, fromthe hill Mizar.  He remembered also the lion and the bear,when he went to fight with the giant of Gath.  1 Sam. xvii.36, 37.

It was Paul’s accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that,when tried for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judgesthe manner of his conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour,in which he first did meet with grace; for he found it supported him. When God had brought the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, farinto the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, toremember the drowning of their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for thoughthey sang his praise before, yet they soon forgat his works.  Psalmcvi. 11, 12.

In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the graceof God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for it was abovemy sins and Satan’s temptations too.  I can remember my fearsand doubts, and sad months, with comfort; they are as the head of Goliahin my hand: there was nothing to David like Goliah’ssword, even that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels;for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth God’sdeliverance to him.  Oh! the remembrance of my great sins, of mygreat temptations, and of my great fear of perishing for ever! They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of my great help, mygreat supports from heaven, and the great grace that God extended tosuch a wretch as I.

My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of ancienttimes: remember also your songs in the night, and commune with yourown Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5-12.  Yea, look diligently, and leaveno corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the treasureof your first and second experience of the grace of God towards you. Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you: remember yourterrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell: remember also yourtears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge formercy.  Have you never a hill Mizar to remember?  Haveyou forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable, the barn, and thelike, where God did visit your souls?  Remember also the word,the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope: if youhave sinned against light, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you aredrowned in despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heavenis hid from your eyes; remember it was thus with your father; butout of them all the Lord delivered me.

I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptationsand troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working ofGod with my soul: I could also have stepped into a style much higherthan this, in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned allthings more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not: God did notplay in tempting of me; neither did I play, when I sunk as into thebottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me;wherefore I may not play in relating of them, but be plain and simple,and lay down the thing as it was; he that liketh it, let him receiveit, and he that doth not, let him produce a better.  Farewell.

My dear Children,

The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness.  God bemerciful to you, and grant that you be not slothful to go into possess the land.

JOHN BUNYAN.



GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR,
A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POORSERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN




In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, itwill not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give youa hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodnessand bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnifiedbefore the sons of men.

2.  For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of alow and inconsiderable generation; my father’s house being ofthat rank that is meanest, and most despised of all the families inthe land.  Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of nobleblood, or of any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, allthings considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by thisdoor He brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and lifethat is in Christ by the gospel.

3.  But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderablenessof my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put meto school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained,according to the rate of other poor men’s children: though, tomy shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned, even almostutterly, and that long before the Lord did work His gracious work ofconversion upon my soul.

4.  As for my own natural life, for the time that I was withoutGod in the world, it was, indeed, according to the course of thisworld and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience. Eph. ii. 2, 3.  It was my delight to be ‘taken captive bythe devil at his will,’ 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled withall unrighteousness; the which did also so strongly work, and put forthitself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I hadbut few equals (especially considering my years, which were tender,being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming theholy name of God.

5.  Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that theybecame as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with sobernessconsidered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhoodhe did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrifyme with fearful visions.  For often, after I have spent this andthe other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, whileasleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still,as I then thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I couldnever be rid.

6.  Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubledwith the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; still fearing,that it would be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellishfiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness,unto the judgment of the great day.

7.  These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or tenyears old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my manysports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was oftenmuch cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I notlet go my sins: yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of lifeand heaven, that I should often wish, either that there had been nohell, or that I had been a devil; supposing they were only tormentors;that if it must needs be, that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor,than be tormented myself.

8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soonforgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them,as if they had never been: wherefore with more greediness, accordingto the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins of my lust,and delighted in all transgressions against the law of God: so thatuntil I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader ofall the youth that kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.

9.  Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the fleshin this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious graceprevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice,but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those laws whichbring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.

10.  In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievousto me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should;so that when I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christianpiety, it would be as it were a prison to me.  Then Isaid unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledgeof Thy ways.  Job xxi. 14, 15.  I was now void of allgood consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind;and as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts. O Lord, Thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid fromThee!

11.  But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin withthe greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vilenessof my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time seen wicked things,by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in the height of vanity, yethearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it hadso great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.

12.  But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, notnow with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but, mercyyet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in a field, withone of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway,so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and havingstunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked hersting out with my fingers; by which act had not God been merciful untome, I might by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.

13.  This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: WhenI was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a placeto besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desiredto go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he took my place;and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the headwith a musket-bullet and died.

14.  Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither ofthem did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still,and grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my ownsalvation.

15.  Presently after this, I changed my condition into a marriedstate, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was countedgodly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor mightbe (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixtus both), yet this she had for her part: The Plain Man’s Pathwayto Heaven and The Practice of Piety; which her father hadleft her when he died.  In these two books I would sometimes readwith her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasingto me (but all this while I met with no conviction).  She alsowould be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and howhe would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and among hisneighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his days, both inword and deed.

16.  Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they didnot reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yetthey did beget within me some desires to religion: so that because Iknew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times;to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost;and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yetretaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so over-run with the spiritof superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even allthings (both the high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and whatelse) belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were thereincontained, and especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and withoutdoubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought,of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.

17.  This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit,that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched inhis life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, andknit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposingthem the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, andhave been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work didso intoxicate and bewitch me.

18.  After I had been thus for some considerable time, anotherthought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelitesor no?  For finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiarpeople of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needsbe happy.  Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolvedabout this question, but could not tell how I should: at last I askedmy father of it; who told me, No, we were not.  Whereforethen I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.

19.  But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evilof sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religionsoever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I never thoughtof Him, or whether there was such a One, or no.  Thus man,while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity,for he knoweth not the way to the city of God.  Eccles. x.15.

20.  But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) hissubject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breakingthat, either with labour, sports or otherwise.  (Now, I was, notwithstandingmy religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especiallythat was the day that I did solace myself therewith): wherefore I fellin my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he madethat sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing.  And at that timeI felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; butthen I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went homewhen the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.

21.  This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights,and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it lasted not,for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, andmy heart returned to its old course: but oh! how glad was I, that thistrouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I mightsin again without control!  Wherefore, when I had satisfied naturewith my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old customof sports and gaming, I returned with great delight.

22.  But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat,and having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about tostrike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven intomy soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, orhave thy sins and go to hell?  At this I was put toan exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I lookedup to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding,seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeasedwith me, and as if He did severely threaten me with some grievous punishmentfor these and other ungodly practices.

23.  I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly,this conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did setmy sins again before my face), That I had been a great andgrievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to lookafter heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardonmy transgressions.  Then I fell to musing on this also; andwhile I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it should be so; I feltmy heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and thereforeI resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the casebe thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins,and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I mustbe so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.

24.  Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that thenwere present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made thisconclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well remember,that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul, that I waspersuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I should getin sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think;wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of sin, stillstudying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the sweetnessof it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with itsdelicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I fearedgreatly.  In these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neitherdo I feign this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and withall my heart, my desires: The good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable,forgive me my transgressions!

25.  And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devilis more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even toover-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbingof conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair,that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually havea secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them; forthey have loved sins, therefore after them they will go.  Jer.ii. 25, and xviii. 12.

26.  Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind,still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would. This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as Iwas standing at a neighbour’s shop window, and there cursing andswearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there satewithin, the woman of the house, and heard me; who, though she also wasa very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursedat that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me;and told me further, that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing,that she ever heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, wasable to spoil all the youth in the whole town, if they come but in mycompany.

27.  At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame;and that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, whileI stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heartthat I might be a little child again, that my father might learn meto speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am soaccustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation;for I thought it could never be.

28.  But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this timeforward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myselfto observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I putan oath before, and another behind, to make my words have authority;now I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness thanever I could before.  All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neitherdid I leave my sports and plays.

29.  But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poorman that made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talkpleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; whereforefalling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to myBible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially withthe historical part thereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and suchlike scriptures, I could not away with them, being as yet ignorant,either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth ofJesus Christ to save me.

30.  Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my wordsand life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven;which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, didkeep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yetnow and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but thenI should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to dobetter next time, and there get help again; for then I thought I pleasedGod as well as any man in England.

31.  Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighboursdid take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and didmarvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life andmanners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace,nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died,my state had been most fearful.

32.  But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion,from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and truly,so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tomof Bethlehem to become a sober man.  Now therefore they began topraise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behindmy back.  Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was becomea right honest man.  But oh! when I understood these were theirwords and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well.  For, thoughas yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to betalked of as one that was truly godly.  I was proud of my godliness,and indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spokenof, by men: and thus I continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.

33.  Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delightin ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thoughtsuch practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leaveit; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house,and look on, though I durst not ring: but I thought this did not becomereligion neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, butquickly after, I began to think, how if one of the bells shouldfall?  Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwartthe steeple, from side to side, thinking here I might stand sure; butthen I should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it mightfirst hit the wall, and then, rebounding upon me, might kill me forall this beam; this made me stand in the steeple-door; and now, thoughtI, I am safe enough; for if the bell should now fall, I can slip outbehind these thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.

34.  So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would notgo any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my head,how if the steeple itself should fall?  And this thought (it mayfor aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually so shakemy mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, butwas forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.

35.  Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before Icould quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept thisor that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thoughtwas good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should think withmyself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relateit in mine own way, I thought no man in England could pleaseGod better than I.

36.  But poor wretch as I was!  I was all this while ignorantof Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness;and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of mystate by nature.

37.  But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to Bedford,to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I camewhere there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in thesun, talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hearthem discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now abrisk talker also myself, in the matters of religion; but I may say,I heard but understood not; for they were far above, out of myreach.  Their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on theirhearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature;they talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the LordJesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted,and supported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, theyreasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular;and told to each other, by which they had been afflicted and how theywere borne up under his assaults.  They also discoursed of theirown wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slightand abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to dothem any good.

38.  And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak;they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with suchappearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if theyhad found a new world; as if they were people that dwelt alone, andwere not to be reckoned among their neighbours.  Numb.xxiii. 9.

39.  At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust mycondition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religionand salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; neither knewI the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treacheryof my own wicked heart.  As for secret thoughts, I took no noticeof them; neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were,nor how they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.

40.  Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what theysaid, I left them, and went about my employment again, but their talkand discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, forI was greatly affected with their words, both because by them I wasconvinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and alsobecause by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition ofhim that was such a one.

41.  Therefore I should often make it my business to be going againand again into the company of these poor people; for I could not stayaway; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition;and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me,at which I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what a blind,ignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was).  Theone was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which causedme to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted,and the other was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditatingon it, and on all other good things, which at any time I heard or readof.

42.  By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay likean horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, Give, Prov.xxx. 15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about thekingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows,I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions,nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and thoughI may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth,it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind fromheaven to earth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earthto heaven.

43.  One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town,to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he beinga most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I nowshook him off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a yearafter I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him howhe did: he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you curse and swear thus? What will become of you, if you die in this condition? He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil do for company,if it were not for such as I am?

44.  About this time I met with some Ranters’ books,that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which books were alsohighly in esteem by several old professors; some of these I read, butwas not able to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read inthem, and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I wouldbetake myself to hearty prayer in this manner.  O Lord, I ama fool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord,leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemnthis doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if itbe of the devil, let me not embrace it.  Lord, I lay my soulin this matter only at Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humblybeseech Thee.  I had one religious intimate companion all thiswhile, and that was the poor man I spoke of before; but about this time,he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all mannerof filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that therewas a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations tosobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh themore, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and couldnever light on the right till now.  He told me also, that in alittle time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith,and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.

45.  Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my callinglying in the country, I happened to light into several people’scompany, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also sweptaway by these Ranters.  These would also talk with me of theirways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they only hadattained to perfection, that could do what they would and not sin. Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a youngman and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I hoped, designedme for better things, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not sufferme to accept such cursed principles.  And blessed be God, Who putit into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, still distrustingmy own wisdom; for I have since seen even the effects of that prayer,in His preserving me, not only from Ranting errors, but from those alsothat have sprung up since.  The Bible was precious to me in thosedays.

46.  And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with neweyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles ofthe apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I wasthen never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; stillcrying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven andglory.

47.  And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, Toone is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the wordknowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith, etc. 1 Cor. xii.  And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripturethe Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on meit did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary,even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially thisword ‘Faith’ put me to it, for I could not help it, butsometimes must question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loathto conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shallcount myself a very cast-away indeed.

48.  No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am anignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understandingthat other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not altogetherfaithless, though I know not what faith is; for it was shewn me, andthat too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude themselvesin a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; andI was loath to fall quite into despair.

49.  Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraidto see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo anddestroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad and blindconclusion, create still within me such suppositions, insomuch thatI could not rest content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge,whether I had faith or no, this always running in my mind, But howif you want faith indeed?  But how can you tell youhave faith?  And besides, I saw for certain, if I had not,I was sure to perish for ever.

50.  So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over thebusiness of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter,was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no. But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew notto this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplishthat rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.

51.  Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to myplunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this matterbroken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the tempter camein with this delusion, That there was no way for me to know Ihad faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those scripturesthat seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening histemptation.  Nay, one day, as I was between Elstow and Bedford,the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing somemiracle; which miracle at this time was this, I must say to the puddlesthat were in the horsepads, Be dry; and to the dry places,Be you puddles: and truly one time I was going to say so indeed;but just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind; Butgo under yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed,and came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding,then to be sure I had no faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay,thought I, if it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.

52.  So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they onlyhad faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, thatfor the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, wereever like to have it.  Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil andmy own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that Icould not tell what to do.

53.  About this time, the state and happiness of these poor peopleat Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me,I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, thererefreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I wasshivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow anddark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall thatdid compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatlydesire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into thevery midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of theirsun.

54.  About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again,still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage,by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for some time:at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-wayin the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now the passage beingvery strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain,even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; atlast, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head,and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body;then I was exceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, andso was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.

55.  Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me:The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shonethereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that weretherein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation betweenthe Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall, I thought,was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father.  John xiv.6; Matt. vii. 14.  But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow,even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter inthereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those thatwere in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked worldbehind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for bodyand soul and sin.

56.  This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all whichtime I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provokedto a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sitin the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at homeor abroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting upof heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, O Lord, consider mydistress; for as yet I knew not where I was.

57.  Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasionthat I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here,I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my futurehappiness; especially with such as these, whether I was elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?

58.  By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them.  And first,to speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, andthough nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did sooffend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if thevery strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and powerthereof.  This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon allmy desires; It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth;but of God that showeth mercy.  Rom. ix. 16.

59.  With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidentlysaw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, hadvoluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,and long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come ofit.  Therefore this would stick with me, How can you tell thatyou are elected?  And what if you should not? How then?

60.  O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed?  It maybe you are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. Why then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther;for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there isno talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth, norof him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.

61.  By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, notknowing what to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, Ilittle thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather itwas my own prudence thus to start the question): for that the electonly attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily closewithal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question.

62.  Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaultedand perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sinkwhere I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had beenso many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite givingup the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fellwith weight upon my spirit, Look at the generations of old,and see; did ever any trust in God, and were confounded?

63.  At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul;for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: Begin atthe beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, andsee if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted inthe Lord, and were confounded.  So coming home, I presentlywent to my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting butto find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength andcomfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me.

64.  Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me:Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew whereit was, but they knew no such place.  At this I wondered, thatsuch a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength,seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (forI doubted not but that it was in holy scripture).

65.  Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place;but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I foundit in Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10.  This, at the first,did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experienceof the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especiallywhen I considered that though it was not in those texts that we callholy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substanceof many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; andI bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth stillat times shine before my face.

66.  After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me,But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have overstood the time of mercy?  Now I remember thatone day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughtsof this, But how if the day of grace is past?  Andto aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those goodpeople of Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, that these beingconverted already, they were all that God would save in those parts;and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.

67.  Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that thismight well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition;counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thuslong, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still cryingout, Oh! that I had turned sooner!  Oh! that I had turned sevenyears ago!  It made me also angry with myself, to think that Ishould have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul andheaven were lost.

68.  But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarceable to take one step more, just about the same place where I receivedmy other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, Compelthem to come in, that my house may be filled; and yetthere is room.  Luke xiv. 22, 23.  These words,but especially those, And yet there is room, were sweet wordsto me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enoughin heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak thesewords, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time wouldcome, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no placeleft for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it uponrecord, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. This I then verily believed.

69.  In the light and encouragement of this word I went a prettywhile; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesusshould think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those wordson purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purposespeak them to encourage me withal.

70.  But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptationsI say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; butI thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, andof the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view:I would often also think on Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said,He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth. Dan. v. 18, 19.  Yet, thought I, if this great man had all hisportion in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me.

71.  I was also made, about this time, to see something concerningthe beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean: I thought thosebeasts were types of men; the clean, types of them that werethe people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were thechildren of the wicked one.  Now I read, that the clean beastschewed the cud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feedupon the word of God: they also parted the hoof.  I thoughtthat signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways ofungodly men.  And also, in further reading about them, I found,that though we did chew the cud, as the hare; yet if we walkedwith claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the swine,yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for allthat, but unclean: for I thought the hare to be a type of thosethat talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swinewas like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteththe word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation,let a man be never so devout.  Deut. xiv.  After this, I foundby reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ inanother world must be called by Him here; called to the partakingof a share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruitsof His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things,which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory,which is in heaven above.

72.  Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing whatto do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called,what then can do me good?  None but those who are effectually calledinherit the kingdom of heaven.  But oh! how I now loved those wordsthat spake of a Christian’s calling! as when the Lord saidto one, Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: andoh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I runafter Him!

73.  I cannot now express with what longings and breathings inmy soul, I cried to Christ to call me.  Thus I continued for atime, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also seeat that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contentedwithout a share therein.  Gold! could it have been gotten for gold,what would I have given for it?  Had I had a whole world, it hadall gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have beenin a converted state.

74.  How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought tobe converted men and women.  They shone, they walked like a peoplethat carried the broad seal of heaven about them.  Oh! I saw thelot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage. Psalm xvi.  But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, inSt Mark, He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth unto Himwhom He would, and they came unto Him.  Mark iii. 13.

75.  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled firein my soul.  That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ shouldhave no liking to me, for He called whom He would.  Butoh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart,that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presentlywished, Would I had been in their clothes, would Ihad been born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would Ihad been by and had heard Him when He called them, how wouldI have cried, O Lord, call me also!  But, oh! I feared He would not call me.

76.  And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together,and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be calledhereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to God,that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; thatword came in upon me: I will cleanse their blood, that I have notcleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion.  Joel iii.21.  These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait stillupon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet timemight come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.

77.  About this time I began to break my mind to those poor peoplein Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they hadheard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion totalk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I thinkfrom little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I shouldhear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with their souls;from all which I still received more conviction, and from that timebegan to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wickedheart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began tobe discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never didbefore.  Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions putforth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which Idid not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began tofail; I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longingafter God, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, myheart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to becareless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hangback, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of abird, to hinder me from flying.

78.  Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am fartherfrom conversion than ever I was before.  Wherefore I began to sinkgreatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in myheart, as laid me as low as hell.  If now I should have burnedat the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour anyof His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean,and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.

79.  Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God;which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of thepromises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sunwith my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises:and as soon I should have done it.  All my sense and feeling wereagainst me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay undera law that would condemn.

80.  These things have often made me think of the child which thefather brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming toHim, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and tornby him, that he lay down and wallowed, foaming.  Lukeix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

81.  Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itselfup against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbeliefto set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and thattoo even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord,break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut thesebars of iron asunder.  Psalm cvii. 16.  Yet thatword would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girdedthee, though thou hast not known Me.  Isaiah xlv. 5.

82.  But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was nevermore tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not takea pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience nowwas sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how tospeak my words, for fear I should misplace them.  Oh, how gingerlydid I then go, in all I did or said!  I found myself as on a mirybog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of Godand Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.

83.  But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion,yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance uponme; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I hadbeen a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to presentme without fault before God, and this righteousness was no where tobe found, but in the Person of Jesus Christ.

84.  But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plagueand affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forthitself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason ofthat, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thoughtI was so in God’s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, wouldas naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of afountain: I thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had;I could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devilhimself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair;for I concluded, that this condition that I was in, could not standwith a state of grace.  Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God;sure, I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thusI continued a long while, even for some years together.

85.  While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I sawold people hunting after the things of this life, as if they shouldlive here always: the other was, when I found professors much distressedand cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife,child, etc.  Lord, thought I, what a-do is here about such littlethings as these!  What seeking after carnal things, by some, andwhat grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after,and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how am Ito be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for!  My soul is dying, my soulis damning.  Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I butsure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed butwith bread and water!  I should count those but small afflictions,and should bear them as little burthens.  A wounded spirit whocan bear!

86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, withthe sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraidto let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guiltof conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood ofChrist a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind,than better.  Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I shouldcry that the blood of Christ might take it off: and if it was goingoff without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it woulddie, and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon myheart again, by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon myspirit; and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart,but the right way, by the blood of Christ, and the applicationof Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul, for that scripture lay muchupon me, without shedding of blood is no remission. Heb. ix. 22.  And that which made me the more afraid of this, was,because I had seen some, who though when they were under wounds of conscience,would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease from their trouble,than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so theygot it out of their mind: now, having got it off the wrong way, it wasnot sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and morewicked after their trouble.  This made me afraid, and made me cryto God the more, that it might not be so with me.

87.  And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I fearedI was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful ofall the creatures.  Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sadcondition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.

88.  Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain toso much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visibleworld; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble.  The beasts,birds, fishes, etc.  I blessed their condition; for they had nota sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they werenot to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced,had my condition been as any of theirs.

89.  In this condition I went a great while, but when comfortingtime was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song,Song iv. 1, Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou art fair. But at that time he made these two words, my love, his chiefand subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text,he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church, and soevery saved soul, is Christ’s love, when loveless. 2. Christ’s love without a cause.  3. Christ’slove, when hated of the world.  4. Christ’s love,when under temptation and under destruction.  5. Christ’slove, from first to last.

90.  But I got nothing by what he said at present; only whenhe came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the wordhe said; If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ’slove, when under temptation and desertion; then poor temptedsoul, when thou art assaulted, and afflicted with temptations,and the hidings of God’s face, yet think on these two words,‘My love,’ still.

91.  So as I was going home, these words came again into mythoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart,What shall I get by thinking on these two words?  This thoughthad no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus tokindle in my spirit, Thou art My Love, thou art My Dove,twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxedstronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet,between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true,but is it true?  At which that sentence fell upon me,He wist not that it was true, which was done by the Angel. Acts xii. 9.

92.  Then I began to give place to the word which with power, didover and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘Thouart my Love, thou art My Love, and nothing shall separate thee fromMy Love.  And with that my heart was filled full of comfortand hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me;yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I rememberI could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could havespoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the verycrows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capableto have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness,Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write thisdown before I go any farther; for surely I will not forgetthis forty years hence.  But, alas! within less than fortydays I began to question all again; which made me begin to questionall still.

93.  Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was atrue manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much ofthe life and favour of it.  Now about a week or a fortnight afterthis I was much followed by this scripture, Simon, Simon;behold, Satan hath desired to have you, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimesit would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so stronglyafter me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder,thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a greatdistance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since,to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaintme, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understoodit not.

94.  Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud,was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hearstill with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, soundedin mine ears.  I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebodyhad called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although thatwas not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing thathe that called so loud, meant me.

95.  But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reasonof this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sentfrom heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,)only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be thereason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud,should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before,I soon after perceived the end of God therein.

96.  For, about the space of a month after, a very great stormcame down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I hadmet with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then byanother: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seizedupon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God,Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my greatconfusion and astonishment.  These blasphemous thoughts were suchas stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and ofHis only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunningstory, than the holy and pure word of God?

97.  The tempter would also much assault me with this, How canyou tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove theirMahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so many ten thousands, in so manycountries and kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of theright way to heaven, (if there were indeed a heaven); and thatwe only, who live in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessedtherewith?  Every one doth think his own religionrightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans; andhow if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures, should be buta think so too?

98.  Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions,and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them;but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these wouldreturn again upon me, Though we made so great a matter ofPaul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but that in verydeed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might give himself upto deceive with strong delusions: and also take the pains andtravel, to undo and destroy his fellows.

99.  These suggestions, (with many others which at this timeI may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make sucha seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with theirnumber, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothingelse but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeedthere could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had,in very wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away withthem, as with a mighty whirlwind.

100.  Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, Ifelt there was something in me that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallowmy spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptationswould drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, orthe remembrance of any such thing.  While I was in this temptation,I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or tospeak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of thescriptures.

101.  Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil:at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; forinstead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I havebut heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thoughtor other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I didthink that God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love,nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.

102.  These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concludedthat such things could not possibly be found amongst them that lovedGod.  I often, when these temptations had been with force uponme, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsyhath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound inthe wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him:and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.

103.  In these days, when I have heard others talk of what wasthe sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke meto desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, mustnot, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin wouldserve but that.  If it were to be committed by speaking of sucha word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word,whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptationupon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin,to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughtsat other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-holeor other, to keep my mouth from speaking.

104.  Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, andcounted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better thanthis dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were.  Yea,gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knewthey had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, orsin, as mine was like to do.  Nay, and though I saw this, feltthis, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrowwas, I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of thesedistractions, The wicked are like the troubled sea, when itcannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt.  Thereis no peace, saith my God, to the wicked.  Isa. lvii.20, 21.

105.  And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I wouldhave given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no norsometimes scarce desire to shed one.  I was much dejected, to thinkthat this would be my lot.  I saw some could mourn and lament theirsin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and othersagain, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word ofGod; while I only was in the storm or tempest.  This much sunkme, I thought my condition was alone, I should therefore much bewailmy hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.

106.  While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I couldattend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies.  If I had beenhearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would holdme a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had suddenthoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be sostrangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I haveneither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentencethat but now I have read.

107.  In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time;sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes:he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done,break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; stilldrawing my mind away.  Sometimes also he would cast in such wickedthoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thoughtsometimes of that, Fall down; or, if thou wilt fall downand worship me.  Matt. iii. 9.

108.  Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the timeof this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God;then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, andconfound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart andfancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I shouldpray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so holdmy mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray tonothing else but to these, or such as they.

109.  Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affectingapprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressiblegroanings.  My whole soul was then in every word; I should crywith pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then Ishould be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should thinkthat God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audienceof the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me,as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, but to bestow it onsuch as he.  Alas, poor soul! how art thou deceived! It is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest.

110.  Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragementsas these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frameshall not last always: many have been as hot as you for a spurt, butI have quenched their zeal (and with this, such and such, who werefallen off, would be set before mine eyes).  Then I should be afraidthat I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into mymind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can.  Thoughyou do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I willcool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chillingyour heart, if I can do it at last?  Continual rockingwill lull a crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I willhave my end accomplished.  Though you be burning hot at present,I can pull you from this fire; I shall have you cold before itbe long.

111.  These things brought me into great straits; for as Iat present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought,to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forgetall, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth ofheaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both outof mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did notat present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more uponit (like her who met with adulterer, Deut. xxii. 26), in whichdays that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things awhile:- I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, etc.,shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is inChrist Jesus our Lord.  Rom. viii. 38, 39.  And nowI hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.

112.  Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they werethen all questioned by me; that in Jer. iii. at the first wassomething to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter;that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yetwe should cry unto God, My Father, Thou art the Guide of my youth,and shall return unto Him.

113.  I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin, that wemight be made the righteousness of God in Him.  Iremember that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house,and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; andas I was saying in my mind, What ground have I to say that, whohave been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternallife?  That word came suddenly upon me, What shall we sayto these things?  If God be for us, who can be againstus? Rom. viii. 31.  That also was an help unto me, BecauseI live, ye shall live also.  John xiv. 19.  Butthese words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweetwhen present; only they lasted not; but, like to Peter’ssheet, of a sudden were caught up from me, to heaven again. Acts x. 16.

114.  But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discoverHimself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from theguilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also fromthe very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was putinto my right mind again, as other Christians were.

115.  I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country,and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and consideringthe enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind,Having made peace through the blood of His cross. Col. i. 20.  By which I was made to see, both again and again,that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw that thejustice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other,through His blood.  This was a good day to me; I hope I shall neverforget it.

116.  At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and wasmusing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word untome, Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of fleshand blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same, thatthrough death He might destroy him that had the power of death, thatis the devil; and deliver those who through fear of death, were alltheir lifetime subject to bondage.  Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me, thatI was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with griefand trouble, but with solid joy and peace.

117.  At this time also I sate under of holy Mr Gifford,whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God fromall those false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. He would bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upontrust; as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightilyto God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set usdown therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, said he,if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if strongly, younot having received them with evidence from heaven, will findyou want that help and strength now to resist, that once youthought you had.

118.  This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former andlatter rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience,the truth of these his words: for I had felt no man can say,especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord,but by the Holy Ghost).  Wherefore I found my soul,through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline topray to God, that in nothing that pertained to God’s glory, andmy own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmationthereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding differencebetwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the revelations of Godin heaven: also a great difference betwixt that faith that is feigned,and according to man’s wisdom, and that which comes by a man’sbeing born thereto of God.  Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.

119.  But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth byGod!  Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to Hisaccession, and second coming from heaven to judge the world!

120.  Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God wasvery good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing thatI then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He waspleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the LordJesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence,from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God,in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, evento His second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Himborn, as if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk throughthis world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came,I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it formy sins and wicked doings.  Also as I was musing on this His progress,that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter. 1 Peter i. 12, 20.

121.  When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection,and have remembered that word, Touch Me not, Mary, etc., I haveseen as if He had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy thatHe was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. John xx. 17.  I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on theright hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of Hiscoming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmedin these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii.56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17,18.

112.  Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was manas well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, letmen say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven,all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth ofGod.  Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could nottell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind:And I beheld, and, to, in the midst of the throne, and ofthe four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb,as it had been slain.  In the midst of the throne, thoughtI, there is the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood;but, oh! methought this did glister!  It was a goodly touch, andgave me sweet satisfaction.  That other scripture also did helpme much in this, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given;and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shallbe called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the EverlastingFather, the Prince of Peace, etc.  Isa. ix. 6.

123.  Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lordmade use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was theerrors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as theQuakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it,by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.

124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:-

‘1.  That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.

‘2.  That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ,grace, faith, etc.

‘3.  That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundredyears ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.

‘4.  That Christ’s flesh and blood were within thesaints.

‘5.  That the bodies of the good and bad that are buriedin the church-yard, shall not arise again.

‘6.  That the resurrection is past with good men already.

‘7.  That that man Jesus, that was crucified between twothieves, on mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem,was not ascended above the starry heavens.

‘8.  That He should not, even the same Jesus that died bythe hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judgeall nations,’ etc.

125.  Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomentedby them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures,and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, butgreatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guiltof sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the bloodof Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that toosweetly, according to the scripture.  O friends! cry to Godto reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth likeHim.

126.  It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular,how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did,that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He didopen them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them todwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of Hisown being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.

127.  Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, thatin general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to sufferme to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then revealthem unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, evencrushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me thedeath of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, thatI should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience,where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would restand abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.

128.  Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, fromheaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery ofgrace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the lastday were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, andjoy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whoseface was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for mysins.  For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouthof hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not,when I looked back, scarce discern it!  And oh! thought I, thatI were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soulmight be gone to rest.

129.  But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations,I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience,who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those whohad writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me)that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, throughthe strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objectionsas they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselvesinto the deep.  Well, after many such longings in my mind, theGod, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand(one day) a book of Martin Luther’s; it was his Commenton the Galatians; it also was so old, that it was ready to fallpiece from piece if I did but turn it over.  Now I was pleasedmuch that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when Ihad but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experienceso largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written outof my heart.  This made me marvel: for thus thought I, Thisman could not know any thing of the state of Christians now,but must needs write and speak the experience of former days.

130.  Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debateof the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, andthe like; showing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil,death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first,was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it soindeed.  But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinksI must let fall before all men - I do prefer this book of MartinLuther upon the Galatians (excepting the Holy Bible) beforeall the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.

131.  And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly:Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him;I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, Ithought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find,that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought,such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a verytrifle, - God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.

132.  For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously deliveredme from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetlyin the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolationand blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love throughChrist; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievousand dreadful temptation than before.

133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ,to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow meso continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, notsometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.

134.  And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those whowere once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I hadseen myself) could never lose Him for ever; The land shallnot be sold for ever, for the land is mine, saith God.  Lev.xxv. 23.  Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think thatI should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ,a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almostnone others, but such blasphemous ones.

135.  But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet anydesire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abatethe continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, inalmost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort,that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, orcast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation wouldcome, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him,sell Him.

136.  Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so littleas a hundred times together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him: againstwhich, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to standas continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply,before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, thatmight consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believeI had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rackfor whole days together.

137.  This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I shouldat some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, thatby the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist thiswickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by wayof pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, asfast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I will not, Iwill not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousandsof worlds: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of theseassaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knewwhere I was, or how to be composed again.

138.  At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet;but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go henceto pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy alsowould this devil be.  When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself,Now I am at meat; let me make an end.  NO, said he, youmust do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of thesinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God),I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be asguilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I hadbroken the law of God indeed.

139.  But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was,as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, Tosell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running inmy mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, asfast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at othertimes, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands,at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, evenuntil I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through myheart, Let Him go, if He will; and I thought also, that I feltmy heart freely consent thereto.  Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man’s heart!

140.  Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that isshot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows,with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where forthe space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now,past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.

141.  And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: Orprofane persons as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright:for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited theblessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance,though he sought it carefully with tears.  Heb. xii. 16, 17.

142.  Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgmentto come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, butdamnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now wouldabide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in thesequel you will see.

143.  These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to mylegs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walkingunder an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaningmyself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me,suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, The blood of Christ remitsall guilt.  At this I made a stand in my spirit: with thatthis word took hold upon me, The blood of Jesus Christ His Son, cleansethus from all sin.  1 John i. 7.

144.  Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought Isaw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamedof what he had done.  At the same time also I had my sin, and theblood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when comparedto the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod orstone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours;in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as sufferingfor my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit,under exceeding guilt again.

145.  But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau’sselling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long,all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down,so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would striveto turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence wouldbe sounding in me; For ye know, how that afterwards, when he wouldhave inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance,though he sought it carefully with tears.

146.  Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that inLuke xxii. 31, I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not;but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I consideredmy state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should bethe root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done.  Nowwas I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.

147.  Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of thenature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God,if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence,by which I might take relief.  Wherefore I began to consider thatof Mark iii. 28: All sins shall be forgiven unto the sonsof men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and gloriouspromise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place morefully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chieflyto those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things asthere are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received lightand mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slightedChrist as I had done.

148.  I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, mightbe that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh.  Buthe that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath never forgiveness,but is in danger of eternal damnation.  Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence inthe Hebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when he wouldhave inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no placeof repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.  Andthis stuck always with me.

149.  And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nordid I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, andyet afraid to die.  Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybodybut myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than thatit was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to besaved from the wrath to come.

150.  And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishinga thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I shouldbe tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both againstmy heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces,than be found a consenter thereto.  But alas! these thoughts, andwishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thoughthad passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen.  Oh!thought I, that it were with me as in months past, as in thedays when God preserved me!  Job xxix. 2.

151.  Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began tocompare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of thosethat were saved, had done as I had done.  So I considered David’sadultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and thosetoo committed after light and grace received: but yet by consideringthat his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses,from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliverhim: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof;I had sold my Saviour.

152.  Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when Iconsidered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be sovoid of grace, so bewitched.  What, thought I, must it be no sinbut this?  Must it needs be the great transgression? Ps. xix. 13.  Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 John v. 18.  Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?

153.  What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable?but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’smercy; and must I be guilty of that? must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, forwhich there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this?  Oh! unhappysin!  Oh! unhappy man!  These things would sobreak and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thoughtat times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate mymisery, that would run in my mind, You know, how, that afterwards,when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected. Oh! no one knows the terrors of those days but myself.

154.  After this I began to consider of Peter’ssin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this camenighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour,as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warninggiven him.  I also considered, that he did it both once and twice;and that, after time to consider betwixt.  But though I put allthese circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yetI considered again, that his was but a denial of his Master,but mine was, a selling of my Saviour.  Wherefore I thoughtwith myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to Davidor Peter.

155.  Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me;yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservationof God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus consideringof other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I couldevidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness,and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.

156.  But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservationthat God did set about His people!  Ah, how safely did I see themwalk, whom God had hedged in!  They were within His care, protection,and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature;yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall withoutthe range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He wouldnot preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate,to fall as I had done.  Now did those blessed places that speakof God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, thoughnot to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage ofthose whom the Lord had blessed.

157.  Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providencesand dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in allthe temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate themto wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them;and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might notdestroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay themin the way of the renewing His mercy.  But oh! what love, whatcare, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with themost severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others, fall;but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hellfor sin.  Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved;these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them insafety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of theAlmighty.  But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horrorto me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me.  IfI thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thoughtof how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me.  As all thingswrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were thecalled, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wroughtfor my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.

158.  Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas,that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which intruth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it,though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soulin!  And by considering, I found that Judas did this intentionally,but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committedwith much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: allthis while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven fromtrouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau’s fallin mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.

159.  Yet this consideration about Judas’s sin was,for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to thecircumstances, transgressed so fully as he.  But this was quicklygone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways thanone to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degreesof that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught Iyet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might neverbe passed by.

160.  I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an uglyman as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all thesaints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce seea good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feelmy heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence.  Oh! nowI saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have agood conscience before Him.

161.  I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receivingsome false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a dayof judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no suchgrievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: For if these thingsshould indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield youease for the present.  If you must perish, never tormentyourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damningout of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such conclusionsthat Atheists and Ranters use to help themselves withal.

162.  But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart,how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view!methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already;so that such things could have no entertainment.  But methinks,I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ;he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness,and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

163.  I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despairwas swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven awayfrom God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would comein, ’Tis too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall;not to my correction, but condemnation: my sin is unpardonable; andI know, concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright,be would have received the blessing, but was rejected.  Aboutthis time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortalFrancis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, whenrubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groanof that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as histears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, histwining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mightyhand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul;especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knowsthe beginning of sin? but who bounds the issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall likean hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; For you know how thatafterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he wasrejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he soughtit carefully with tears.

164.  Then should I be struck into a very great trembling,insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel myvery body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense ofthis dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinnedthat most fearful and unpardonable sin.  I felt also such a cloggingand heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especiallyat some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thoughtof that concerning Judas, who by falling headlong, he burst asunderin the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.  Acts i.18.

165.  I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did seton Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy loadof guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was uponme; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand,nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.

166.  Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, Hehath received gifts for the rebellious.  Psalm lxviii. 18. The rebellious, thought I! why surely they are such as once wereunder subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have swornsubjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this,thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, servedHim; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, Let Himgo, if He will; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why notfor me?

167.  This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take holdthereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceivedby me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with forcebeyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by thatplace where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.

168.  Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saintsin particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I beganto think with myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together,and mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement?for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equalto all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enoughin it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine,though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon,of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders;and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate andheighten their sins by several circumstances.

169.  I should think with myself that David shed blood tocover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon;a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance,which was a great aggravation to his sin.  But then this wouldturn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from whichthere was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against theSaviour, and who shall save you from that?

170.  Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in lovingstrange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples,in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received:but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration,cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins againstthe law, for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour,and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.

171.  I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of Manasseh;how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he alsoobserved times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard,had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrificeto devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with theblood of innocents.  These, thought I, are great sins, sins ofa bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They are noneof them of the nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, youhave sold your Saviour.

172.  This one consideration would always kill my heart, mysin was point blank against my Saviour; and that too, atthat height, that I had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go,if He will.  Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sinsof a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable;nor all of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-wentthem every one.

173.  Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the faceof a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape Hishand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of theliving God.  Hebrew x.)  But, blessed be His grace,that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me,I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions;and as a cloud, thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemedthee.  Isaiah xliv. 22.  This, I say, would come in uponmy mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee fromHis face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason ofHis highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, Returnunto Me; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, Returnunto Me, for I have redeemed thee.  Indeed, this would makeme make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behindme, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me witha pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would beclouded and darkened again by that sentence, For you know, how thatafterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he foundno place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried,Return, return, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared toclose in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other,as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, For you know thatafterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he wasrejected, etc.

174.  Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’sshop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myselfwith self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamentingalso this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin,greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart,that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost,the Lord would show it me.  And being now ready to sink with fear,suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noiseof wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking,Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ?and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment openedto me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heartanswered groaningly, No.  Then fell, with power, that wordof God upon me, See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh. Hebrew xii. 25.  This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; itbrought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all thosetumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds,to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me.  It showedme also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me,that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul;yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kindof threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and theheinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was,I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twentyyears’ time been able to make a judgment of it; I thought thenwhat here I should be loth to speak.  But verily thatsudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it,and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only thisI say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there mightbe hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was,and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christfor mercy.  But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know notyet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that atfirst I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to bethought on by men of sound judgment.  I lay not the stress of mysalvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeingI am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogetherinexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relatethe matter as there I did experience it.  This lasted in the savourof it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, andto despair again.

175.  Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowingwhich way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to castitself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication.  But oh!’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christfor mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hardwork, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had sovilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to Godby prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I amnow a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemedbut a while before!  I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, becausethis villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was butone way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and begthat He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercyupon my wretched sinful soul.

176.  Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggestedto me, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was notfor any in my case; neither could it do me good, because I hadrejected the Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptanceto God the Father; and without Whom, no prayer couldcome into His presence: wherefore now to pray, is butto add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has castyou off, is the next way to anger and offend Him more than youever did before.

177.  For God (saith he) hath been weary of you forthese several years already, because you are none of His; yourbawlings in His ears, hath been no pleasant voice to Him;and therefore He let you sin this sin, that you might be quitecut off; and will you pray still?  This the devil urged,and set forth that in Numbers, when Moses said to thechildren of Israel, That because they would not go up to possessthe land, when God would have them, therefore for ever afterHe did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they mightwith tears.  Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178.  As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, The manthat sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar, thathe may die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, whenhe thought to find shelter there.  1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, Ithought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall oncebe said, That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because,together with this, still that saying about Esau would be setat my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the treeof life, lest I should take thereof and live.  Oh! who knows howhard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!

179.  I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me,but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembledin my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me,that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to theprophet concerning the children of Israel, Pray not for this people,for I have rejected them.  Jeremiah xi. 14.  So, Praynot for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that He hadwhispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell meso; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, itwould make me quite beside myself: Man knows the beginning of sin(said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof?

180.  About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind toan ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, thatI was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and hetold me, He thought so too.  Here therefore I had but coldcomfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a goodman, a stranger to much combat with the devil.  Wherefore I wentto God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.

181.  Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying,That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provokedHim to displeasure, Who would have stood between my souland the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way;and that was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediatorbetwixt His Son and me; that we might be reconciled again,and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessedsaints enjoyed.

182.  Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He isof one mind, and who can turn Him!  Oh! I saw, it was as easyto persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible,besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing.  Thiswas to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, andpersuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is theresalvation in any other; for there is none other name under heavengiven among men whereby we must be saved.  Acts iv.12.

183.  Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel,were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as thethoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I hadcast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it,to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time thatI thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness,gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations,comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for stillunto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts wouldmake place for themselves in my heart: Aye, this is the Jesus, theloving Saviour, the Son of God, Whom you have parted with, Whomyou have slighted, despised, and abused.  This is the onlySaviour, the only Redeemer, the only One that could so love sinners,as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood;but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus: you have put Himfrom you; you have said in your heart, Let Him go, if Hewill.  Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; you have severedyourself from Him: behold then His goodness, but yourself to be nopartaker of it.  Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what haveI parted with!  What has disinherited my poor soul!  Oh! ’tissad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb,the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer.  Rev. vi.  I also trembled,as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at thosethat greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continuallywith Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages,and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against theirprecious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual afflictionand shame upon my soul.  The dread of them was upon me, andI trembled at God’s Samuels.  1 Sam. xvi. 4.

184.  Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul anotherway, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and wassorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed asI had done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from whatI feared: for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, forWhom He bled and died; neither was it counted with those that werelaid to His charge, when He hanged on a tree: therefore, unlessHe should come down from heaven, and die anew for this sin, thoughindeed He did greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit ofHim.  These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculousas they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations:every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should haveso much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did Ithink that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His meritswere weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but becauseHis faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercyto me.  Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sinwas not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise;and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heavenand earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life.  So thatthe ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast beliefI had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my beingmisinformed of the nature of my sin.

185.  But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit thatI should be